He's Just Not That Into You. Lucky You.

…if he says you look like a horse….

…if he sleeps with your lady-in-waiting, then, beds her sister and then, has the nerve to take all your jewellery…

…if he still dumps you even after the Pope has told him that he is so going to Hell…

…if he chases you step-daughter around the back garden with a sword and cuts her dress into a million pieces….

…if he forces you to marry him after blowing up your ex-husband….

….if he calls you a witch….

….if he accuses you of sleeping with thousands of men, despite being watched by your ladies-in-waiting 24/7.….

…if he accuses your whole family of treason….

…if he beheads you….

….if you’re found dead at the bottom of his stair case….

…if he parties across the river from you behind your back with a bit of a munter…

…if he’s only sleeping with you because his country depends on it….

…if he’s only wants you for your dowry….

….if he dances with his niece – and then, gets you to wear exactly the same dress as her….

…then, girl, he’s just not that into you. Lucky you….