Henry VIII tells Nostradamus "I like it not!"

Henry VIII has put in a special request to Nostradamus to issue a prophecy which tells people to stop comparing him to a man with an orange face, and a musician that talks rubbish.

“Who are these subjects?!” He said. “I like it not! Stop it now! I am the one and only and I will live forever!

This orange man who rules a faraway land, who is he? He likes buildings things I’ve heard, so yes, I suppose I like building castles and palaces, but what’s this about sport? Am I right that he spends his whole weekend hitting a small ball around a field with a stick? What sort of sport is that?! Knave! The only sport I recognise is jousting, the sport of Kings!

And apparently he ‘tweets’ in the middle of the night. What is he? A big bird?

As for this other fellow, Kanye of the West, who the hell is he? Yes, he likes lots of jewellery, grand palaces and women just like me yes, but he roams his kingdom in a bouncing carriage! He also named his daughter after a point on a compass! Fool! He makes Will Somers look like Copernicus!

And besides, they both talk nonsense! At least when I speak, people understand me! If anyone compares me to these fools one more time, I will send them to the Tower, regardless of what century they live in!”

Nostradamus reminded him that in the 21st century, the Tower of London would not be a depressing place of death and torture. In fact, it would make a great day out for the whole family where children go half price, you can buy a nice souvenir and have something to eat with stunning views at the “Perkin Reveller”. In fact, staying overnight might be an enjoyable experience. He wrote a prophecy all about it only the week before.

Henry in response called Nostradamus “A loser” and warned the King of France that if he doesn’t take action, he was “Locked and loaded”.