Reign Corner

Season 1 Episode 3…..

Episode three begins with a scene of a little boy on the Scottish Border. I believe it is the Scottish Border, but become quite sceptical when the boy starts speaking in what sounds like a Northern Irish accent. Wherever the hell we are, we find out that the Scots and English have fallen out again.

Then, we are back in (allegedly) France. The whole situation is making Mary mad! How could this be happening, she wonders and how could Scotland not qualify for Euro 2016! She starts dribbling a football like Ronaldo and accidently kicks it into the high branches of a tree. She’s wearing a gown that could pass off as roughly 16th century, but doesn’t let that stop her from attempting to actually climb the tree to get it back down. Unfortunately for her, just as she gets to the ball, one of the Four Marys - whose called Greer and is rocking the Biker Chick look (which I believe was very popular in 16th Century France) – happens to be passing by with her new Man Candy, Thom-ass (pronounced as it is spelt, Thom-ass, emphasis on “ass”) who also happens to be the son of the King of Portugal. Mary falls for him – literally. She falls out of the tree and right on top of him. It’s the start of something beautiful, even though she nearly gave him concussion.

I’m not quite sure what is happening with Greer’s wardrobe in this episode. She’s definitely experimenting with different styles and eventually shows up in what is probably the outfit of the series so far – a top that looks like she’s stuffed a load of scrolls down her bra. What are those scrolls? The works of Shakespeare? The prophecies of Nostradamus? Papal Legate declaring Historical Inaccuracy? Warrant of arrest for crimes against 16th Century fashion? Who knows, but it’s lost on Thom-ass, whose becoming increasingly interested in Mary.

For Thom-ass, there is definitely something about Mary. They go horse-riding in slow motion across some cliffs and then, he confesses he wants her, not Greer! Mary is stunned as he proposes to her and offers to help the Scots in their battle.

Wait a minute, Mary Queen of Scots, getting engaged to the son of the King of Portugal?!

Anyway, whatever, she’s probably wondering, why has he chosen me? Is it my hair? My music and singing skills? My fluency in ten languages? He tells her that it all changed for him that day – when he saw her in that tree. He was impressed by her tree-climbing skills.

Oh right then! So, to all my fellow Single gals and guys, there you go! This is where we’ve been going wrong all this time! Quit the gym, the makeovers, the cosmic advice of spiritual gurus. When you see that person coming, just climb the nearest tree! You have to (literally) make an impact! Get them right between the eyes!

Just a side-thought, if Thom-ass is Portuguese, shouldn’t his name really be “Tommaso” (pronounce it while waving hands around like a proper continental), rather than “Thom-ass”, or something? Just wondering.

Catherine De Maleficent is still scheming and moody. She hangs out with a guy that claims that he can see the future (or Spoilers as we might call it). Catherine is disturbed by the vision he has of Mary, whom he claims will do something terrible to her son. Reign is four seasons long and I can’t help asking myself at what point does the Dauphin die? Will that be before or after Lord Darnley’s assassination, because they’re not even married yet and we’re on episode three of season one. So, Mary better get a move on!

The man who sees Spoilers decides to tell some of the people of the court what he sees. He tells Mary that a Lion will fight a Dragon on a field of Poppies. It sounds fantastic, but Mary (and myself) have absolutely no idea what he is talking about.

He then reveals to Greer that she will encounter…..wait for it…….the Man With a White Mark on his Face!

OK. It’s not quite the same as the Man in the Iron Mask, The Mask of Zorro, or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but it’s a good try.

While Greer keeps a look out for the Man With a White Mark on his Face, Thom-ass and Mary go all Strictly Come Dancing, demonstrating a few exotic moves! I think it’s a Pasodoble. However, Craig Revel Horwood would probably actually call it a “Dissssaster Darling!”, as an angry Greer gives them nil point and storms out. Mary goes to follow her. To be honest, I’m surprised Greer can move – she’s got a HUGE cluster of pearls hanging around her neck! She must have half of the Indian Ocean around her neck! Then, Greer goes off and gets drunk with a man over a Picnic Basket that she had been putting together earlier (?!).

The next morning, to cheer Greer up, Mary makes her a cup of coffee.

That’s right. A cup of coffee! In a mug too!

“It’s a new drink!” Mary tells her. We all know that coffee is amazing – and this cup of coffee is indeed amazing – coffee didn’t arrive in France until 1669. Greer better make the most of that cup of coffee – she’ll have to wait another 111 years for the next one. Then, they both rush down to breakfast. I wonder what they’re serving? Pop Tarts?

The episode then ends with the two prophecies being fulfilled (seen earlier by the man that sees Spoilers). Mary agrees to marry Thom-ass. He promises to send six companies to help the fight against the English. Then, they are seen about to board a very, small boat – with a Dragon’s flag on it. I’m a bit confused by what he means by “six companies”? Doesn’t he mean armies, or something? To say six “companies” makes it sound like he’s sending corporate sponsors to help the Scots – the Scottish army sponsored by McDonalds, Budweiser and DFS Sofas, for example. In the meantime, Greer kisses a man who happens to have a white mark on his face….

And they all live happily ever after! Or will they? We’ll find out in episode four! In the meantime, I’m off to perfect my tree-climbing skills.

Pic – Catherine De Maleficent Facepalm.